Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
i made a craigslist ad !
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.