psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
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I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I was just discussing this with my cat
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing