My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Sex so good you see dead people.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
🤣🤣🤣
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
❤️❤️❤️
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*