I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
The cashier just checked me out.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized