Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
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Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).