My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Guy who likes music
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?