Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
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*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.