Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
You Might Also Like
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
#Caturday
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.