new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
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Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Is this a threat?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW