It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
You Might Also Like
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face