HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
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My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
*aggressively waits in line*
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Who.
Did.
This?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.