The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
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Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?