Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
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Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.