GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
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just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Sell your car
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.