“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
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I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.