Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it