Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
You Might Also Like
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
A choir of Spring onions
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
How high do the levels go?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.