how to have an accident 101
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Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.