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You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Not all heroes wear capes…
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.