Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
A friend sent me this.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
こいつ天才
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win