brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
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Me when my alarm goes off
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché