ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.