my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
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“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.