[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
You Might Also Like
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
#oldknees
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of