I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
This hospital has everything
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit