[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
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philosophical skeletons be like
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours