Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
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*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
welp
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.