“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
You Might Also Like
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do