[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Someone just threatened to call me later
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm