My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Selfie
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.