I’m calling the cops.
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My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.