Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
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I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day