It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
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When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.