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I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?