“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
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Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.