[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
You Might Also Like
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.