me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
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Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I am a gravy boat captain
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room