How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant