them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
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GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
love it when they get my name right
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
necessity is the mother of invention
so, is there a mister shapen head
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call