The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Fidel Castro was alive?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
what day is it?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.