if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.