Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
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My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Got ya covered
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…