God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
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Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.