If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
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By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
What flavor cupcake are these
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I have many caverns
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”