Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Optional boss fight.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Stop being racist to kettles.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???