Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
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Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣