After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
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Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.