She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
You Might Also Like
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.