every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
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Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Möther may I have a snäck
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.