Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
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<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes